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RelationshipDoc

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  1. RelationshipDoc
    It has been much longer than I ever anticipated since my last post. There are several reasons for that, but the most significant, at least in terms of its impact, was our son-in-law’s being killed in a motorcycle accident on 18 July. He was only 36.
    After all the funeral and the insurance actions, we -- my wife, our daughter and I --needed to get away. Despite the forecast for a rainy weekend (a forecast which proved correct), we loaded up our trusty SeeYa and headed out. Three adults, four cats (our daughter added hers to the mix) and a miniature poodle in a 38-foot motorhome. It was a wonderful experience.
    We laughed at the cats, we talked, we watched our favorite DVDs, we biked in between rain showers -- we did all the things we normally do when RVing. And in that normalcy, something wonderful happened. Some emotional healing began. Oh, we all know there will be rough days ahead. That’s the way it is crawling out of the pit of grief. But I am convinced that the emotional healing we felt could never have happened if we had stayed home to “take care of business.â€
    There is something almost magic about the effect of a RV on relationships. Maybe the motorhome is really a magic carpet that transports us from the world of pain and obligation to a world where the most critical decision is, what are we having for supper? Maybe it was being transported to this world were obligation could be put on hold for a while to let us do something more important -- allow family love to begin to knit us back together. Whatever the case, we are stronger as a family for having spent a rainy weekend together in our motorhome.
  2. RelationshipDoc
    I have been very silent here for the last several months, primarily because my wife and I have not had our motorhome out of the driveway since before Thanksgiving. The reason for this very unusual hiatus has been, we have been renovating our primary house. I have often heard that if your marriage can survive such a project, it can survive almost anything, and now I know what they mean.
    This has been one of the most stressful, depressing, maddening experiences of my life. Those of you who have done a major renovation to your stationary home can understand. Those of you who have not had this experience, let me just say that a root canal without anesthesia is a more pleasurable option. We are still having struggles with our heat pump ( I don't know if I can mention the brand name here, but it's a major brand), so I don't know when we will get to go out again. Last weekend, we had the factory rep from the manufacturer out here. Still doesn't work as it should. I don't know what this next weekend will bring, but it probably won't be what I long for most -- a trip into the woods to gather my sanity after more than two months of excursion into insanity.
    Hopefully, though, soon Donna and I will be back on the road, and we'll have lots more to write about. I look forward to that in more ways than one.
  3. RelationshipDoc
    The day after Thanksgiving the moon and stars and busy schedules all aligned and we got to go camping again with our daughter. This was our first time to take her with us since right after her husband's death in July, so we were all looking forward to doing a whole lot of nothing except being a family. Our daughter has a 3-legged cat (long story there) that she loves dearly and did not want to leave behind, so we loaded her cat, along with our 3, into the motor home and headed out for the local Corps campground. We had a great time, but Grace, our daugher's cat, did not. She was terrified of our cats. The really interesting thing is, Grace has claws, but she never tried to use them on our cats (two of our cats are de-clawed). Somehow, there seems to be a rule among cats, "You don't use claws and I won't)" - and since our cats did not (could not) use claws, Grace didn't.
    That got us to thinking. Sugar, the cat we rescued in July, also has her claws, yet she has never used them against our other cats. She certainly did not use them against Grace. Maybe there is something to that. Maybe cats really do fight fair and not use claws until necessary.
    As a marriage and famiy therapist, I can't help but wish that more humans were as wise as cats. Wouldn't it be a lot nicer when we had a disagreement if we would all agree to not use our "claws" until absolutely necessary?
  4. RelationshipDoc
    One of the reasons I don't post any more often than I do is that I still work full-time. Getting away in our SeeYa is usually a real treat for us - one that happens all too seldom.
    Often, when we get away, it's like last week. I had to go to Hendersonville, N.C., for a convention. An enjoyable place (even with the rain) and an enjoyable "have to." Still, it was work, not pleasure, that dominated the entire trip. As usual my wife, Donna, and I took our motorhome and that became our motel on wheels. While that is not nearly as nice as being parked someplace where we can do nothing more stressful than watching the wind in the trees, I did find myself thinking about this lifestyle we call motorhoming.
    I had to leave every morning about 8:30 and I didn't get back home until about 9 pm. But when I did get home, I truly was home. Not a strange motel room - I was home. It was 374 miles from where our "bricks and sticks" house is located, but it was still home. Our poodle and the three cats that travel with us were all glad to see me, just as they are at our more permanent residence. My wife was even more glad to see me. It was nice to be home. That is something that can't happen in even the most luxurious motel room, that feeling of "home."
    I have a few business trips coming up the first of 2010, and I won't be able to take our motorhome. Certainly, I will be in nice commercial motel rooms, and I will enjoy being with my colleagues at work. But it won't be home.
    What motorhoming has taught me is that home is not a matter of geography. It really is about relationships, and that's what our motorhomes give us - the opportunity to enjoy those relationships wherever in the world we may happen to be at the moment. As the sign says, "Home is where you park it."
  5. RelationshipDoc
    I mentioned in my previous post that several things had kept me from being as active here as I had planned. One of those was Sugar, the stray we found in June (that post is on this blog). About 2 weeks before Drew was killed, we woke up one morning to find bloody mucus all over the floor, and blood on Sugar's back legs. We took her to the vet as quickly as possible and found out that she had been pregnant when we found her, but the pregnancy didn't take. Instead of miscarrying, everything stayed inside and had set up a massive infection. We had the vet do emergency surgery to remove all the infected material and clean out her abdomen. The next day, Sugar was home, very sore, but on the road to recovery.
    Now, as I write this, she has fully recovered from her ordeal. She and Coty, another stray we found about a year ago, have become best buds - wrestling and chasing each other as only cats can. She has become our 3rd motorhome kitty, and while she isn't quite as fond of it as Coty is yet, she likes to go with us and look out the windows at the squirrels and birds - not to mention having ready access to Donna and me.
    So Sugar is fine, and so are Coty and Cole, our other two "traveling kitties." They're helping us with our loss over Drew. I can't wait until this semester is over (I teach at a university) when we can all load up our SeeYa for a week-long trip.
  6. RelationshipDoc

    Shared joys

    By RelationshipDoc,

    One of the things Donna and I most enjoy about camping is the joys we get to share with each other and with others. A great case in point came from this past weekend.
    We were camping at a local Corps park. James, one of the volunteer attendants, was particularly friendly, so we made a point of talking with him each time we passed on our walks. It was during one of these conversations that James mentioned that he was feeding a doe, and if we would come by at a certain time, we could see her.
    Well, that was an invitation to not pass up, so, later that day, Donna, James and I sat on the porch of the attendant's hut, watching as the doe came out of the woods to eat the corn. Even by deer standards, she was very skittish, but she responded to James' call to "Come get the corn."
    Mosquitoes biting? Who cares? Donna and I were absolutely thrilled. No matter how many times we watch deer or other critters, it's something we never get tired of. And sharing these joys together just makes our relationship that much stronger. Not to mention, our appreciation for people like James who selflessly share their personal joys with us.
    Now we're back at home and back to the daily grind of the "real" world, with its work schedules, project demands, etc. But we're happier and richer for the shared joys from this weekend.
  7. RelationshipDoc
    Donna and I spent the last week in Brunswick, Ga., at the Golden Isle RV Park. Nice place. But rather than talk about our relationship this time, I want to talk about two men I met there.
    Both men were camped next to me, which is how we met. Both were Viet Nam war vets. They saw my USAF Retired tag on my toad, and that's what opened the conversation. One completed a full 20 years in the Army. The other served just one tour in the USAF. Both were enlisted when they were in the military. I was an officer. I never served in Viet Nam, even though my service began in 1973. But none of that mattered. We were brothers. We had experienced military life, with all its trials and tribulations, and we had survived. We didn't even swap war stories. That didn't seem to matter. If you listened to our conversation, you might never guess, once the initial introductions were made, that we were military vets.
    What made these conversations notable to me is how we "clicked," how comfortable we were instantly with one another, regardless of the topic of conversation. Knowing each other only a few minutes, we were willing and able to share even some pretty personal stories about our trips on the road, some of the laughter and some of the pain. Making friends quickly is skill you develop in the military because your survival, literally, may depend on knowing the man, or woman, next to you. It's a good skill.
    This was by no means an isolated case. When I decided to pay the state of Alabama a few extra bucks to have a USAF Retired tag for my Saturn, I never thought it would bring so many wonderful guys into my life. I know from experience, lots of women have served honorably and well, but I just haven't met any of them in RV parks yet. Hopefully some day I will. For now, I am just grateful to get to know these people who have given so much to keep this land free. We may have served in different time periods and in different theaters of operation and even in different branches of the service. But for those of us who have served, we know the bonds. We have been there and done that. We are brothers.
    If you see a military retired tag on someone's toad, go up and introduce yourself. You'll find some really great people. One of those just might be me.
  8. RelationshipDoc
    This past weekend, my wife and I went to a nearby Army Corps park to just relax and enjoy each other. It was our first trip in the motorhome since the family trip to Disney I previously wrote about. This trip was to be just the two of us - no pressure, no schedule, no stress. It all went wonderfully well - with one complication.
    Shortly after we set up, a cute little white kitty came into the site. I'm a sucker for animals and especially cats. Donna's a cat person, too, so that works well. In fact, we travel with two cats. For several days the kitty stayed in our site and even followed us when we walked the dog or went on our walks around the park. The only way I could get out of the site without her following us was to feed her and then dash out while she was still eating.

    Well, you don't have to be a genius to figure out what happened. The kitty wore me down and I wanted to adopt her. Donna is the more logical one when it comes to such things. She gave all the arguments why our four cats (two stay at home) should be enough and the timing wasn't right. I could agree totally with her logic - and I wanted to adopt the kitty any way. Finally, on the third day, we came to an agreement. I would take the kitty to our vet (we were close enough to home that this was only a 30-minute drive in our Saturn toad) and have her checked out. If she did not have any diseases that would harm our other cats, we would keep her.
    Long story short, Sugar is now part of our family. She's slowly getting accustomed to the other cats, and they are, by an large, accepting her. The transition has been easier with Sugar than with some of the other cats we have adopted over the years.
    The reason I tell this story is it was interesting to me how the discussion went. It was never about who was "right." It was never about "winning." It was about what was going to be best for all the relationships - and if we could manage a sixth player - four cats plus one dog plus the new kitty. The decision was not about my "winning." It was about our common agreement that there was enough love to go around.
    Experience in the few days since Sugar came into our home shows we were right. We're still worried about Sugar. She still has some medical problems, just nothing contagious. We hope she will live and be a happy member of our family for a long time to come. But whatever happens, we will both know we made a good decision - and it was our decision. That's the way to keep relationships sound.
  9. RelationshipDoc
    Well, I am much later posting the update than I thought. The family camping trip went. And there were lots of lessons learned.
    First, we love our kids, but four adults in a 38-foot motorhome is more than a bit much. Everyone cooperated and there were amazingly few real problems. No drama, nothing that would be worthy of a soap opera. Just 4 adults trying to get ready in the morning, 4 different minds about what the "right" schedule for the day ought to be, four different pulls. Our two adult kids (we have 3 - one could not go on this trip because of work) were still focused on things back home, naturally. So, in a real sense, we were not a "family" again, as my wife and I had dreamed. We were still really 3 families - my wife and I, and our two kids plus their spouses (even though the spouses were not there, of course). When Thomas Wolfe said, "You can't go home again," I think he was speaking wisdom to parents as well as to adult children.
    Second, we learned that having twice as many adults requires four times as long to do anything. We had more days at Disney than we have ever had before, but we actually got less done - and the trip was much more stressful. It took my wife and I a good 3 days to recover after this trip just from never having a single moment to ourselves - and from always having to think about others. That's one of several reasons this post is much later than I originally planned. Again, no blame statements here. It was just an unexpectedly complicated process even when everyone tried to be cooperative.
    Third, having 4 adults means you get four inputs on any problems that need to be solved, whether your need or want it or not. Fort Wilderness tried to stuff our 38-foot motorhome into two different sites that were much too small for us. In true Disney fashion, they made it right and everything worked out well, so no complaints on how it turned out. But the process of first of all trying to stuff our motorhome into the assigned sites and secondly trying to negotiate with the Fort Wilderness reservation desk to get a new site was, well, interesting. Everyone had a voice. We have talked on this site about how backing into a site can generate some interesting conversations between husband and wife. Add two more adult voices and it gets even more fun.
    Fourth, and most important, we still love each other. Even with all the stress and things not going as planned, even with the rain (try finding a way to dry four sets of clothing in a 38 foot RV following a day-long torrential downpour), at the end of the trip, we all still loved each other. Guess some ties are strong enough to handle anything. But I think it will be quite a while before my wife and I take this on again. Grandkids are a piece of cake by comparison.
  10. RelationshipDoc
    Tomorrow Donna and I leave for a week trip in our motorhome with two of our three adult children. Not their spouses, not any of the grandkids, just two of our three (the third couldn't get off). Despite what I wrote in my last blog about cherishing time alone, I must admit, right now, we are really looking forward to this trip. It has been so long since the four of us have been together - one of the two who is going is our youngest son, who lives in Wichita Falls TX (845 miles away - we know, we have driven it often enough). By the end of the week, we may change our mind, but right now, we're really excited.
    Expect to see an update on this from a relationship perspective. It's going to be very interesting to see what it is like to have our kids underfoot 24/7 when we haven't done that in more than 10 years. Guess it will be a learning experience.
    More to come soon.
    Wayne
  11. RelationshipDoc
    First, let me say I appreciate the comments to this blog people make. I may not respond to all of them but I do read all of them.
    One such comment said, if our relationship can survive parking directions it can survive anything. That brought a smile to my face. I can appreciate that. But it also started me thinking. In all honesty, since we got some walkie-talkies a few years ago, parking hasn't been that much of a challenge for us. (It does make you wonder what the backup camera folks are thinking though -- putting a microphone in a backup camera that is mounted directly above a diesel engine - like I am supposed to hear what my wife is saying above that noise?).
    Our challenge is unhooking the Saturn toad. I love my little Saturn. It's a great car. And my Blue Ox tow bar works well. However. I have learned the hard way that the pins are nearly impossible to remove unless the car is straight. That has led to my usual practice of letting my wife register for us when we arrive at a campground while I unhook the car. So far, so good. Then the fun begins. You see, our Saturn is a 5-speed manual, and my wife is not comfortable with driving a manual transmission. If the ground is level, all is well, no problem. But if there are hills anywhere in the campground, ah, that's where her anxiety goes up. So then we have to negotiate how we are going to do this -- do I try to calm her anxiety, do I drive the motorhome and then come back and get the Saturn. What are we going to do? She is NOT going to drive the motorhome, despite my many attempts to get her to do it, so that's not an option. We always come up with a solution, so what we do must be working for us. But it's amazing how life's little challenges always seem to present themselves even in the most long-expected and pleasurable of circumstances. Guess it really is true as I always tell my students -- Murphy was an optimist.
  12. RelationshipDoc
    This past week was semester break at the university where I teach, and I really needed the break. After some discussion, my wife and I decided to do something we had talked about for several years. We took the northern portion of the Natchez Trace, from its terminus in Franklin, TN, to Jackson, MS. This blog is about relationships, so I won't give a blow by blow of the trip, except to say that it is a very pleasant drive. But, unlike the southern portion of the route, there's not much to see except for signs where things used to be. French Camp is a big exception to that. Nice place.
    But this is about relationships. I have known for a while that Donna and I do not do rallies. Part of that is the timing -- most are during the week, and I am still working full-time. But part of that is what I just rediscovered on this trip. Because I do work full-time (Donna says I have three full time jobs -- it's not quite that bad, but I understand where she is coming from), we do not get as much time together as we would both like.
    We cherish our time alone, our time just to be together. That's why we don't do rallies. We get so little time together, we are jealous of our special time and don't really want to share it with others. That was, for me, the best part about this trek down the Natchez Trace. Because there were just miles of easy, relaxed driving, we had the chance to talk and reconnect in ways we had not been able to do during the past 15 weeks of my crazy semester. It felt good.
    Perhaps that is one of the things that allegedly makes motorhome relationships better than relationships of people of don't RV. We have these hours on the road when we are moving place to place, time just for the two of us. That's special. At least, in my book it is. Research clearly shows that "small talk" is one of the best things a couple can do to keep their relationship alive. So, whether it is sitting around a campfire at night or driving down the road, going motorhoming gives us a chance to do small talk.
    Interestingly, as soon as we got home from the trip, we were back to our usual hectic schedule. Life goes on. We have to play the bills somehow, at least until I can retire (only a few more years). Yet, I can't wait until we can go camping again so my Sweetie and I can just sit and talk.
    Wayne
  13. RelationshipDoc
    Our last camping trip was to Fort Blakeley Historic Park, Spanish Fort AL. The RV sites are relatively recent, and they are quite spacious. The only problem is, the hookups are not well placed. They tend to be uphill and way in the rear of where a motorhome would have to park to be relatively level. I say all that to lead in to why the main point of this post happened. When it came time to dump, I dumped the black tank, and, because I was trying to make fluid run uphill, I "walked" the "stinky slinky" to force the fluid into the sewer opening. So far, so good. Then came the gray tank, but because the hose was still fairly full, the gray wouldn't empty well. I tried to "walk" it again, and that's where the fun began. The slinky broke in two. Don't lecture me about not spilling stuff on the ground, because at that point "not spilling" was not an option. But the real issue is that when the hose broke, since I was not expecting it at all, gray water got all over my pants. At least I hope it was all gray water -- no guarantees. I cleaned up the mess as well as I could (fortunately, the site was all dirt and gravel, so it all soaked in very quickly), tossed the broken hose into the trunk of the toad to be thrown away later, and then went in to face my wife. She just thought it was funny. Standing in the fiberglas "tank" that forms the entrance of our SeeYa, I stripped off the wet pants, dried off with a disposable towel and used the towel to wrap up the wet pants. Then I took a quick shower and changed into some clean clothes.
    It's only love that would let someone smile at someone to whom that happened.
  14. RelationshipDoc
    If you have been reading this blog, you know that I am doing some research into what makes marriages strong for those of us who RV. I still have a lot more work to do, but I thought I would share some preliminary results with you.
    So far, I have found 3 themes. These are in no particular order. The first theme is, "Vacation time." Going out in the RV is like going on vacation. People who affirm this theme say that it's the shared excitement of doing something together that keeps their marriage strong. The second theme is related to the first. It's "Goal setting." Going RVing gives the couple something to look forward to, something to work jointly toward. It's the joy of working together for a common goal that brings them together. The third theme is "Communication." Going RVing gives these couples an "excuse" to talk - something they say they often find difficult to do in their "normal" life. These couples say they find that it is talking together that makes their relationships strong.
    I am sure there is a lot more to learn. That is why I will be interviewing many more couples over the next few months. If you are willing to help me out, send me a message. I'd love to be able to talk with you. Or, if you see our SeeYa in a Southeast campground, come say howdy. We'd lot to chat.
    More on the results as I have them.
  15. RelationshipDoc
    Some years ago, when I was still in the active duty Air Force, I was an avid runner. I found out just how avid when I was hit unexpectedly by an illness which kept me from even walking much, much less running, for several weeks. I recovered from the illness and returned to running but I never forgot what it felt like to go through that withdrawal.
    Lately my wife and I have been going through a similar withdrawal. Our beloved motorhome has been in the shop for several weeks because the starter on the generator went out and the local Cat dealer doesn't seem to be able to find one. This isn't about the dealer. It's about us. We have been been edgy lately. It's easier to fly off the handle. We're going through withdrawal.
    Since we recognize that, we have been taking extra steps to be nice to each other, to say kind words to each other, and to be very understanding of each other. It isn't easy. Going through withdrawal never is. But we keep hoping for that phone call which will tell us the part has finally arrived, and we can have out baby back and we can get our "fix" of motorhoming again. In other words, we keep practicing the skills we know will help us, or anyone, through any sort of high stress time: accentuating the strengths in the relationship, actively trying to catch each other "doing something right," and keeping the focus on the future. This is one addiction that we have no intention of kicking.
    But now, we'll do the best we can, loving on our "fur kids" and letting them help us get through this withdrawal together. That's what a relationship is all about.
  16. RelationshipDoc
    Here is some news you can use. I just read a study from Sweden that showed that people who are depressed are significantly more likely to have a stroke. Seems that being depressed can literally kill you. Fortunately, we know that having an emotionally significant relationship and being physically active are powerful protectors against depression and against heart disease - and if this study is correct, against stroke, too. As those of you who read this blog know, I am investigating what it is that enables those of us who RV have better (read "emotionally significant") relationships. If you would be willing to participate in this study, please contact me. Whether you want to participate or not, now is a good time to get with your spouse or significant other (gotta cover all the bases in this day and age) and do a relationship checkup. Do we do physical activity? Check. Do we enjoy being with each other? Check Check. Good. You may have just taken a big step to making sure you don't become one of the many Americans are suffer from stroke each year.
  17. RelationshipDoc

    Nesting

    By RelationshipDoc,

    Well, we finally received that long awaited call. The local Cat dealer got the starter for our generator, and our SeeYa was ready for duty again. We could hardly wait to get back on the road.
    It was interesting. The very first trip we did not go far from home, and we hardly ventured out of the motor home the entire weekend, except to take our daily 4-5 mile walk, plus a bike ride or two. Other than that, we both were busy nesting. Making our baby "ours" again.
    Nesting is something that usually gets associated with women, but I found I needed to nest as much as Donna did. We were in this thing together.
    I am still looking for many other RVers to tell their stories of what makes their marriage work while RVing. What I have learned so far is, most of us are the same. Both partners are, well, partners. The motor home is theirs. Maybe, just maybe that is one of the things that makes RV-ing different from living in a "bricks and sticks" house. That sense that "we are in this thing together" in more ways than one. I still have lots to learn about what keeps relationships good while RV-ing, but already I am convinced that, in one way or another, we all jointly "nest" in our RV. And have fun doing it.
  18. RelationshipDoc
    Welcome to "Wayne's World." As the blog description says, this is all about relationships and RVs, and what makes that combination so special. Let me introduce myself first of all.
    I have always been fascinated with relationships, all kinds of relationships. The relationships of the earth to the moon, stars, and other planets. The relationships of chemical elements to each other. The wondrous relationships of the various components of the human body. And I could go on, but for the last 37 years, I have been most interested marriage and family relationships. That's what I do for a living. I am an active marriage and family therapist, and I currently teach marriage and family therapy to master's and doctoral students. I can't get enough of this stuff.
    You ought to know that, in contrast to the other mental health disciplines, marriage and family therapy is based in a health model, which means we're interested in what is right with people, not what is wrong. That's me all over. I'm interested in what is right.
    Right now, I am researching an article that I hope to publish in FMCA on relationships. Specifically, what makes the couple relationship stronger for couples who go RV-ing than it is for couples who do not RV? My results are very preliminary right now, but I can say that I'm learning a lot. Should be a fun article when it's ready to publish.
    I work full time, so I don't get out as often as I like, but if you happen to see Donna and me out in our 2004 Alfa SeeYa, come by and say howdy. And if you'd like to participate in this study, just let me know. I'd love to talk with you.
    Wayne
  19. RelationshipDoc

    Our "Fur kids"

    By RelationshipDoc,

    Don't get me wrong. Donna and I love our kids, all 3 of them. They're all grown and married, and we're exceptionally proud of all of them. We always have been. But we have always taught them that we believed job #1 for a parent is to prepare kids to become responsible adults, so we were from their youngest days preparing them to leave the nest. When the last one left, we were ready. I often said, "The empty nest syndrome is just a permanent smile on your face."
    Maybe we were just fooling ourselves. One of the reasons we started RVing was we wanted to be able to take our dog (a 7 lb poodle named Jean Claude - as in Jean Claude Van Dam) with us. And of course, if we were going to take the dog, we had to take at least one of our cats. Yes, we live with a dog and 4 cats, so when we go RVing, we take the dog and 2 of the cats (the other two don't travel well, so for their benefit as well as our sanity, we leave them at home).
    Lately, we have been having some renovation work done on our SeeYa, and because of that, we have been been able to take our "fur kids" with us. These trips have been miserable. We miss our "fur kids."
    I think there is something about a good relationship that demands it be shared. Oh, we maintain good contact with our 3 human kids and their families, but there is something, I believe, about a good relationship that wants to be shared with touch, with contact. Our "fur kids" receive all that overflowing love, and they return that love in return. It's a win-win situation.
    I think that may be one reason why so many of us travel with our "fur kids." I won't say "pets," because I know our dog and cats are more than "pets." They are part of the family. And from what I have seen, many of you feel the same way about your traveling companions. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that's just one more evidence that a good relationship is just too good to keep all to yourself.
    Wayne
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