RelationshipDoc

Yes, we do. It's almost like we were on a high. But that's a good problem to have.

One of the reasons I don't post any more often than I do is that I still work full-time. Getting away in our SeeYa is usually a real treat for us - one that happens all too seldom. Often, when we get away, it's like last week. I had to go to Hendersonville, N.C., for a convention. An enjoyable place (even with the rain) and an enjoyable "have to." Still, it was work, not pleasure, that dominated the entire trip. As usual my wife, Donna, and I took our motorhome and that became our motel on wheels. While that is not nearly as nice as being parked someplace where we can do nothing more stressful than watching the wind in the trees, I did find myself thinking about this lifestyle we call motorhoming. I had to leave every morning about 8:30 and I didn't get back home until about 9 pm. But when I did get home, I truly was home. Not a strange motel room - I was home. It was 374 miles from where our "bricks and sticks" house is located, but it was still home. Our poodle and the three cats that travel with us were all glad to see me, just as they are at our more permanent residence. My wife was even more glad to see me. It was nice to be home. That is something that can't happen in even the most luxurious motel room, that feeling of "home." I have a few business trips coming up the first of 2010, and I won't be able to take our motorhome. Certainly, I will be in nice commercial motel rooms, and I will enjoy being with my colleagues at work. But it won't be home. What motorhoming has taught me is that home is not a matter of geography. It really is about relationships, and that's what our motorhomes give us - the opportunity to enjoy those relationships wherever in the world we may happen to be at the moment. As the sign says, "Home is where you park it."

One of the things Donna and I most enjoy about camping is the joys we get to share with each other and with others. A great case in point came from this past weekend. We were camping at a local Corps park. James, one of the volunteer attendants, was particularly friendly, so we made a point of talking with him each time we passed on our walks. It was during one of these conversations that James mentioned that he was feeding a doe, and if we would come by at a certain time, we could see her. Well, that was an invitation to not pass up, so, later that day, Donna, James and I sat on the porch of the attendant's hut, watching as the doe came out of the woods to eat the corn. Even by deer standards, she was very skittish, but she responded to James' call to "Come get the corn." Mosquitoes biting? Who cares? Donna and I were absolutely thrilled. No matter how many times we watch deer or other critters, it's something we never get tired of. And sharing these joys together just makes our relationship that much stronger. Not to mention, our appreciation for people like James who selflessly share their personal joys with us. Now we're back at home and back to the daily grind of the "real" world, with its work schedules, project demands, etc. But we're happier and richer for the shared joys from this weekend.

Donna and I spent the last week in Brunswick, Ga., at the Golden Isle RV Park. Nice place. But rather than talk about our relationship this time, I want to talk about two men I met there. Both men were camped next to me, which is how we met. Both were Viet Nam war vets. They saw my USAF Retired tag on my toad, and that's what opened the conversation. One completed a full 20 years in the Army. The other served just one tour in the USAF. Both were enlisted when they were in the military. I was an officer. I never served in Viet Nam, even though my service began in 1973. But none of that mattered. We were brothers. We had experienced military life, with all its trials and tribulations, and we had survived. We didn't even swap war stories. That didn't seem to matter. If you listened to our conversation, you might never guess, once the initial introductions were made, that we were military vets. What made these conversations notable to me is how we "clicked," how comfortable we were instantly with one another, regardless of the topic of conversation. Knowing each other only a few minutes, we were willing and able to share even some pretty personal stories about our trips on the road, some of the laughter and some of the pain. Making friends quickly is skill you develop in the military because your survival, literally, may depend on knowing the man, or woman, next to you. It's a good skill. This was by no means an isolated case. When I decided to pay the state of Alabama a few extra bucks to have a USAF Retired tag for my Saturn, I never thought it would bring so many wonderful guys into my life. I know from experience, lots of women have served honorably and well, but I just haven't met any of them in RV parks yet. Hopefully some day I will. For now, I am just grateful to get to know these people who have given so much to keep this land free. We may have served in different time periods and in different theaters of operation and even in different branches of the service. But for those of us who have served, we know the bonds. We have been there and done that. We are brothers. If you see a military retired tag on someone's toad, go up and introduce yourself. You'll find some really great people. One of those just might be me.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, redbeelips. Hearing about your healing is helping ours. We're leaving Monday for a week-long trip to east Tennessee. We can't wait. Things continue to get more complicated following Drew's death, and we're spending a LOT of time with our daughter helping her walk through this. We need to get away to re-charge so we can come back and walk with her through the valley some more. We can't wait. Hope your trip to VT and coatal Maine brings you the healing you need, too. Wayne

I mentioned in my previous post that several things had kept me from being as active here as I had planned. One of those was Sugar, the stray we found in June (that post is on this blog). About 2 weeks before Drew was killed, we woke up one morning to find bloody mucus all over the floor, and blood on Sugar's back legs. We took her to the vet as quickly as possible and found out that she had been pregnant when we found her, but the pregnancy didn't take. Instead of miscarrying, everything stayed inside and had set up a massive infection. We had the vet do emergency surgery to remove all the infected material and clean out her abdomen. The next day, Sugar was home, very sore, but on the road to recovery. Now, as I write this, she has fully recovered from her ordeal. She and Coty, another stray we found about a year ago, have become best buds - wrestling and chasing each other as only cats can. She has become our 3rd motorhome kitty, and while she isn't quite as fond of it as Coty is yet, she likes to go with us and look out the windows at the squirrels and birds - not to mention having ready access to Donna and me. So Sugar is fine, and so are Coty and Cole, our other two "traveling kitties." They're helping us with our loss over Drew. I can't wait until this semester is over (I teach at a university) when we can all load up our SeeYa for a week-long trip.

Thanks so much for your comments. It's helpful knowing others have been in our moccasins. Well, knowing it intellectually is one thing, but hearing from those who have 'been there, done that" is helpful. We still have to work full time for a few more years, but that just makes the "away, alone, together" time all the more precious to us.

Thanks for your note. I appreciate your thoughts and comments. And btw, I like your profile. Wayne

It has been much longer than I ever anticipated since my last post. There are several reasons for that, but the most significant, at least in terms of its impact, was our son-in-law’s being killed in a motorcycle accident on 18 July. He was only 36. After all the funeral and the insurance actions, we -- my wife, our daughter and I --needed to get away. Despite the forecast for a rainy weekend (a forecast which proved correct), we loaded up our trusty SeeYa and headed out. Three adults, four cats (our daughter added hers to the mix) and a miniature poodle in a 38-foot motorhome. It was a wonderful experience. We laughed at the cats, we talked, we watched our favorite DVDs, we biked in between rain showers -- we did all the things we normally do when RVing. And in that normalcy, something wonderful happened. Some emotional healing began. Oh, we all know there will be rough days ahead. That’s the way it is crawling out of the pit of grief. But I am convinced that the emotional healing we felt could never have happened if we had stayed home to “take care of business.†There is something almost magic about the effect of a RV on relationships. Maybe the motorhome is really a magic carpet that transports us from the world of pain and obligation to a world where the most critical decision is, what are we having for supper? Maybe it was being transported to this world were obligation could be put on hold for a while to let us do something more important -- allow family love to begin to knit us back together. Whatever the case, we are stronger as a family for having spent a rainy weekend together in our motorhome.

I want to second what someone else said about the Garmin 465T. While it is not ideal (I guess "ideal" will have to wait for heaven :-)), it is, IMHO, the best thing going out there. I have used it on several trips. It gives you warning about low clearances (bridges, not tree limbs, so keep your eyes out) based on the height you specify. My SeeYa is actually 12'6" high, but I want a little comfort margin, so I defined it at 13'0" high. Warnings will be based on that. Also warnings about weight. On some of the back roads to campgrounds, you might come across a bridge that is not rated for the weight of your Bounder. I do agree with the others you emphasized the importance of doing your research with paper trucker's atlasses and on the internet (many state DOT web sites give useful info about bridges, low clearance (meaning anything below the ICC standard of 13' 6"). Still, I love knowing my 465T will give me a warning in case in have a brain dump. Much like when I was flying - I used my primary nav instruments to keep the dirty side down and the nose pointed where I wanted, but I used my GPS to give me "situational awareness" the needles and dials just couldn't match. Wayne

Thanks for the comment. I have posted two pictures of Sugar - one before the vet and one after. Just look under Photos and you'll see her.

This past weekend, my wife and I went to a nearby Army Corps park to just relax and enjoy each other. It was our first trip in the motorhome since the family trip to Disney I previously wrote about. This trip was to be just the two of us - no pressure, no schedule, no stress. It all went wonderfully well - with one complication. Shortly after we set up, a cute little white kitty came into the site. I'm a sucker for animals and especially cats. Donna's a cat person, too, so that works well. In fact, we travel with two cats. For several days the kitty stayed in our site and even followed us when we walked the dog or went on our walks around the park. The only way I could get out of the site without her following us was to feed her and then dash out while she was still eating. Well, you don't have to be a genius to figure out what happened. The kitty wore me down and I wanted to adopt her. Donna is the more logical one when it comes to such things. She gave all the arguments why our four cats (two stay at home) should be enough and the timing wasn't right. I could agree totally with her logic - and I wanted to adopt the kitty any way. Finally, on the third day, we came to an agreement. I would take the kitty to our vet (we were close enough to home that this was only a 30-minute drive in our Saturn toad) and have her checked out. If she did not have any diseases that would harm our other cats, we would keep her. Long story short, Sugar is now part of our family. She's slowly getting accustomed to the other cats, and they are, by an large, accepting her. The transition has been easier with Sugar than with some of the other cats we have adopted over the years. The reason I tell this story is it was interesting to me how the discussion went. It was never about who was "right." It was never about "winning." It was about what was going to be best for all the relationships - and if we could manage a sixth player - four cats plus one dog plus the new kitty. The decision was not about my "winning." It was about our common agreement that there was enough love to go around. Experience in the few days since Sugar came into our home shows we were right. We're still worried about Sugar. She still has some medical problems, just nothing contagious. We hope she will live and be a happy member of our family for a long time to come. But whatever happens, we will both know we made a good decision - and it was our decision. That's the way to keep relationships sound.

Well, I am much later posting the update than I thought. The family camping trip went. And there were lots of lessons learned. First, we love our kids, but four adults in a 38-foot motorhome is more than a bit much. Everyone cooperated and there were amazingly few real problems. No drama, nothing that would be worthy of a soap opera. Just 4 adults trying to get ready in the morning, 4 different minds about what the "right" schedule for the day ought to be, four different pulls. Our two adult kids (we have 3 - one could not go on this trip because of work) were still focused on things back home, naturally. So, in a real sense, we were not a "family" again, as my wife and I had dreamed. We were still really 3 families - my wife and I, and our two kids plus their spouses (even though the spouses were not there, of course). When Thomas Wolfe said, "You can't go home again," I think he was speaking wisdom to parents as well as to adult children. Second, we learned that having twice as many adults requires four times as long to do anything. We had more days at Disney than we have ever had before, but we actually got less done - and the trip was much more stressful. It took my wife and I a good 3 days to recover after this trip just from never having a single moment to ourselves - and from always having to think about others. That's one of several reasons this post is much later than I originally planned. Again, no blame statements here. It was just an unexpectedly complicated process even when everyone tried to be cooperative. Third, having 4 adults means you get four inputs on any problems that need to be solved, whether your need or want it or not. Fort Wilderness tried to stuff our 38-foot motorhome into two different sites that were much too small for us. In true Disney fashion, they made it right and everything worked out well, so no complaints on how it turned out. But the process of first of all trying to stuff our motorhome into the assigned sites and secondly trying to negotiate with the Fort Wilderness reservation desk to get a new site was, well, interesting. Everyone had a voice. We have talked on this site about how backing into a site can generate some interesting conversations between husband and wife. Add two more adult voices and it gets even more fun. Fourth, and most important, we still love each other. Even with all the stress and things not going as planned, even with the rain (try finding a way to dry four sets of clothing in a 38 foot RV following a day-long torrential downpour), at the end of the trip, we all still loved each other. Guess some ties are strong enough to handle anything. But I think it will be quite a while before my wife and I take this on again. Grandkids are a piece of cake by comparison.

Tomorrow Donna and I leave for a week trip in our motorhome with two of our three adult children. Not their spouses, not any of the grandkids, just two of our three (the third couldn't get off). Despite what I wrote in my last blog about cherishing time alone, I must admit, right now, we are really looking forward to this trip. It has been so long since the four of us have been together - one of the two who is going is our youngest son, who lives in Wichita Falls TX (845 miles away - we know, we have driven it often enough). By the end of the week, we may change our mind, but right now, we're really excited. Expect to see an update on this from a relationship perspective. It's going to be very interesting to see what it is like to have our kids underfoot 24/7 when we haven't done that in more than 10 years. Guess it will be a learning experience. More to come soon. Wayne

This past week was semester break at the university where I teach, and I really needed the break. After some discussion, my wife and I decided to do something we had talked about for several years. We took the northern portion of the Natchez Trace, from its terminus in Franklin, TN, to Jackson, MS. This blog is about relationships, so I won't give a blow by blow of the trip, except to say that it is a very pleasant drive. But, unlike the southern portion of the route, there's not much to see except for signs where things used to be. French Camp is a big exception to that. Nice place. But this is about relationships. I have known for a while that Donna and I do not do rallies. Part of that is the timing -- most are during the week, and I am still working full-time. But part of that is what I just rediscovered on this trip. Because I do work full-time (Donna says I have three full time jobs -- it's not quite that bad, but I understand where she is coming from), we do not get as much time together as we would both like. We cherish our time alone, our time just to be together. That's why we don't do rallies. We get so little time together, we are jealous of our special time and don't really want to share it with others. That was, for me, the best part about this trek down the Natchez Trace. Because there were just miles of easy, relaxed driving, we had the chance to talk and reconnect in ways we had not been able to do during the past 15 weeks of my crazy semester. It felt good. Perhaps that is one of the things that allegedly makes motorhome relationships better than relationships of people of don't RV. We have these hours on the road when we are moving place to place, time just for the two of us. That's special. At least, in my book it is. Research clearly shows that "small talk" is one of the best things a couple can do to keep their relationship alive. So, whether it is sitting around a campfire at night or driving down the road, going motorhoming gives us a chance to do small talk. Interestingly, as soon as we got home from the trip, we were back to our usual hectic schedule. Life goes on. We have to play the bills somehow, at least until I can retire (only a few more years). Yet, I can't wait until we can go camping again so my Sweetie and I can just sit and talk. Wayne

I appreciate the comment and I know my wife will. I thought about a macerator and asked about it on a different forum. The consensus seemed to be a) all the owners loved them, all the non-owners thought they were a waste and c) even owners agreed they are much slower than a slinky. So for the time being, I have purchased another slinky. This incident took place in what was admittedly one of the most uphill situations I have faced. I'm keeping my mind and my options open. I just know I don't want to have another big break. That was no fun for either of us. Wayne

Our last camping trip was to Fort Blakeley Historic Park, Spanish Fort AL. The RV sites are relatively recent, and they are quite spacious. The only problem is, the hookups are not well placed. They tend to be uphill and way in the rear of where a motorhome would have to park to be relatively level. I say all that to lead in to why the main point of this post happened. When it came time to dump, I dumped the black tank, and, because I was trying to make fluid run uphill, I "walked" the "stinky slinky" to force the fluid into the sewer opening. So far, so good. Then came the gray tank, but because the hose was still fairly full, the gray wouldn't empty well. I tried to "walk" it again, and that's where the fun began. The slinky broke in two. Don't lecture me about not spilling stuff on the ground, because at that point "not spilling" was not an option. But the real issue is that when the hose broke, since I was not expecting it at all, gray water got all over my pants. At least I hope it was all gray water -- no guarantees. I cleaned up the mess as well as I could (fortunately, the site was all dirt and gravel, so it all soaked in very quickly), tossed the broken hose into the trunk of the toad to be thrown away later, and then went in to face my wife. She just thought it was funny. Standing in the fiberglas "tank" that forms the entrance of our SeeYa, I stripped off the wet pants, dried off with a disposable towel and used the towel to wrap up the wet pants. Then I took a quick shower and changed into some clean clothes. It's only love that would let someone smile at someone to whom that happened.

First, let me say I appreciate the comments to this blog people make. I may not respond to all of them but I do read all of them. One such comment said, if our relationship can survive parking directions it can survive anything. That brought a smile to my face. I can appreciate that. But it also started me thinking. In all honesty, since we got some walkie-talkies a few years ago, parking hasn't been that much of a challenge for us. (It does make you wonder what the backup camera folks are thinking though -- putting a microphone in a backup camera that is mounted directly above a diesel engine - like I am supposed to hear what my wife is saying above that noise?). Our challenge is unhooking the Saturn toad. I love my little Saturn. It's a great car. And my Blue Ox tow bar works well. However. I have learned the hard way that the pins are nearly impossible to remove unless the car is straight. That has led to my usual practice of letting my wife register for us when we arrive at a campground while I unhook the car. So far, so good. Then the fun begins. You see, our Saturn is a 5-speed manual, and my wife is not comfortable with driving a manual transmission. If the ground is level, all is well, no problem. But if there are hills anywhere in the campground, ah, that's where her anxiety goes up. So then we have to negotiate how we are going to do this -- do I try to calm her anxiety, do I drive the motorhome and then come back and get the Saturn. What are we going to do? She is NOT going to drive the motorhome, despite my many attempts to get her to do it, so that's not an option. We always come up with a solution, so what we do must be working for us. But it's amazing how life's little challenges always seem to present themselves even in the most long-expected and pleasurable of circumstances. Guess it really is true as I always tell my students -- Murphy was an optimist.

Thanks for sharing, xctraveler. Since I am a little slow responding to your comment, I assume you have your convection oven repaired and you're on the road again. Right now, Donna and I are going through withdrawal again. I have a major project at the university where I teach, so we haven't been able to get free to go camping for about 3 weeks now - and it looks like 2 more weeks before we can break free. Of course, last weekend here would not have been good - tornados on Friday and snow (3") on Sunday. Hope things are going well for you. Please do comment any time. Wayne

If you have been reading this blog, you know that I am doing some research into what makes marriages strong for those of us who RV. I still have a lot more work to do, but I thought I would share some preliminary results with you. So far, I have found 3 themes. These are in no particular order. The first theme is, "Vacation time." Going out in the RV is like going on vacation. People who affirm this theme say that it's the shared excitement of doing something together that keeps their marriage strong. The second theme is related to the first. It's "Goal setting." Going RVing gives the couple something to look forward to, something to work jointly toward. It's the joy of working together for a common goal that brings them together. The third theme is "Communication." Going RVing gives these couples an "excuse" to talk - something they say they often find difficult to do in their "normal" life. These couples say they find that it is talking together that makes their relationships strong. I am sure there is a lot more to learn. That is why I will be interviewing many more couples over the next few months. If you are willing to help me out, send me a message. I'd love to be able to talk with you. Or, if you see our SeeYa in a Southeast campground, come say howdy. We'd lot to chat. More on the results as I have them.

Here is some news you can use. I just read a study from Sweden that showed that people who are depressed are significantly more likely to have a stroke. Seems that being depressed can literally kill you. Fortunately, we know that having an emotionally significant relationship and being physically active are powerful protectors against depression and against heart disease - and if this study is correct, against stroke, too. As those of you who read this blog know, I am investigating what it is that enables those of us who RV have better (read "emotionally significant") relationships. If you would be willing to participate in this study, please contact me. Whether you want to participate or not, now is a good time to get with your spouse or significant other (gotta cover all the bases in this day and age) and do a relationship checkup. Do we do physical activity? Check. Do we enjoy being with each other? Check Check. Good. You may have just taken a big step to making sure you don't become one of the many Americans are suffer from stroke each year.